Dear Cavite,

May the new year bring you love as warm as the weathers on your shores. May the new year bring you the beautiful breeze all the way from the western world where Mr. West whispers loving words to the wind for your heart to behold. Happy new year.

Dear Cavite,

I can see the storm coming. The wind blows just off the coast here and gray clouded solitude looms over threatening to rain from within. As she lets go I pick her up from her feet, for she is tired of standing. And now I shall find whether I possess the strength to carry us both on.

the line of scrimmage

I lined up with the ball. Every play had become the most
important play on my life. Everything was riding on this game.
I couldn't see anything else except for the outcome of this
moment. I won everything. Or I lost everything. When I was
at the other end of the ball, I never feared it, I always
wanted it. I was used to it, it was natural. But this was
different. I felt unsure, but still, I needed it. I had to do
it. There was no one else. I dropped back to pass on first
down and ran out left, I ran out of space and time and threw to
my left to my team mate. The throw was poor and the ball was
dropped. I felt fortunate and shook it off. Second down I
returned to a similar play this time it looked better, I threw
to my left to the same man, and it was batted away by the
defender. The weight of the game became heavier. I needed a
completion or a touchdown. Now. I dropped straight back and
found the same man I had thrown to twice open, I laced the ball
into his fingers, and he dropped it. I let turned and let out a
scream. I knew I couldn't let the odds fall to our defense
again. This had to be it. I became more nervous. My heart
pounded. I could feel my arm turn to jelly. I knew the rush
would come, I knew the defense would be firm. I allowed my men
to settle, and I dropped back.

The rush didn't come immediately for they feared my
feet, they would make me beat them with my arm. I rolled out
to my left as I had every down looking for the same man over
and over again. Three times I had thrown it to him and failed.
I reached the left out of bounds line and found no one. I fell
back looking for a man to throw to. The defender closed on me.

I made a move back and began to run to my right. I ran across
the field. And there he was, the same man I had thrown to
three times made his move as well, and we ran parallel twenty
five yards apart. I stretched my arm back as he came to a stop
just before the edge of the endzone, and I let it go.

There was nothing else but the ball cutting its way through the
cold air. I felt time stop as the ball reached its midway
point between the two of us, then restart as the ball found its
way into his chest, and secure. For the win.

I sprinted down the field, screaming joy the whole way. I
didnt see anyone but the secured ball floating in the endzone.
I bathed in the moment with my teammates, and it may have been
the greatest feeling ever.

Yet, as I climbed into the car, I found myself alone. And
alone. And I the victory soon faded. The moment I had put
everything into, the acheivement I had weighted in gold, was
all but gone, because was my heart.

Dear Cavite,

I love her.

sincerely, christopher

p.s. take that.

Dear Cavite,

My heart now travels across your soil. I would ask that you shelter it from storm. I know that she will become weary during her stay upon your dirt. I warned her of this. But my mere warning will not be enough to give her strength. I will need you to cavite, to help see her through this journey. When she stumbles soften your earth, when she cries blow away her tears, and when she looks up show her falling stars. Most of all cavite, when I send my love, be sure that it reaches her. I trust you with my heart.

Christopher West

Dear Cavite,

I wake up this morning confident. I am strong for you. You in a couple hours you will hold my heart. I trust you Cavite. I am trusting you.

Dear Cavite,

Tonight I send to you love from the sky. Love comes to you weary of the journey, and I too am weary. Help us. Protect her. Give her strength. I promise should you return her to me in fond condition I shall take over your task and give my eternity. Cavite, tonight I send to you love, and with love I send to you my heart. Be good to us Cavite, and let me remember you fondly.

You could never know. The drive it takes. The determination. The Faith it requires. To fight for something that has no desire for you. To believe when no one else does. To close your eyes and wait for the blow, but hope for the love.

its two thirty four in the morning. love is persistent.

Love is just nuts

I sat in the car and prepared myself. It amazes me how something so senseless can make so much sense. But I knew exactly what I had to do. And I wouldn't change a thing. I pulled my hat down snug to my ears, and I got out of the car. There were only three areas of my body covered: My head, my nuts and my feet.

I stood in front of the window, she opened the curtain to find my pale white stomach exclaiming the symbols for 'I love you.'

And then again, I knew what I had to do. I had to dance. And dance I did. I shook my ass, I waved my hands, I bobbed my head, stamped my feet, I let loose my arms and thrusted my hips. I danced like no other. I danced for love. My dance was love. Because just like my dancing, love isn't always pretty, in fact its sometimes down right ugly, and wrong and misguided. But it has a purpose. It comes from a good place. Its free, and it represents all thats right with the world.

And when my dance was finished, I couldn't feel the cold, I could only feel the warmth. And at that moment I knew I had to set myself free. Free from all the evils that had known me for so long. I had to be free to give myself over to the love that I had been scared to accept. So I did just that. I dropped those shorts and I let myself free for all the world to know. I strutted across that street loud and proud. Nuts for all the world to see. And just as I got to my car I turned and planted my hand on the left side of my ass, loud enough to wake the neighbors.

And when I was driving home, nuts touching the seat, I knew I was free. And I laughed all the way home. Because I knew I was in love.

I have been through many pains. But none shall ever compare to being told by the person I love most that they do not want to see me anymore. I cannot escape.

I can't seem to figure out how to cope. It seems so unreal to me. I know I might be seeming repetitive but I can't shake it. I can't understand how doing things wrong worked out for so long, and the moment I change for the better I have to give up what's most important? The very thing I changed for? why? what sense does this make?

I wake up this morning staring at the clock. I feel nothing but disbelief. As though I have been living in a dream. I was so sure she would see what I saw. I was so sure love was still present. I was so sure.

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

The words fell from my mouth awkwardly. I sort of laughed when I said it. I couldn't even remember the last time I had asked anyone out. There I stood, holding my heart out for the cradle or the blow. I had finally done everything right. No lies, no saftey nets to fall back on, no pushing things along and seeing how they went. I was there, alone, completely vulnerable, everything I had on the line. I stood ready to be judged by her. My faults, my achievments, my wins, my losses, all there for her to know, and embrace or turn away. I had known to change I would have to face my greatest fear.

And face my fear I would, as I watched it come to life in her eyes.

For as many times as I broke her heart, she stood to break mine.

And after the lies of men were gone, all that was left was an empty little boy, falling off his stool as drops of water began to fall from the sky.

Two Roses

someone very special to me reminded me of a quote I used to love very much today,

"Now see you wouldn't ask why the rose that grew from the concrete had damaged petals, on the contrary. We would all celebrate its tinasity, we would all love its will to reach the sun. Well, we are the roses, this is the concrete, and these are my damaged petals. Don't ask me why, thank God, ask me how."

-TS

Things aren't always easy. The places we find ourselves in today aren't always the best possible positions, nor do they give us the best possible opportunity to succeed. Still, this does not mean we cannot achieve great things.

This does not mean that we cannot grow.

memories

I can remember a day I succeeded. I can remember a day I failed. I can remember a day I looked healthy. I can remember a day I looked pale.

I can remember a day I ate too much. I can remember a day I starved. I can remember a day I sat at that desk, and in it our initials I carved.

I can remember now who I am. I remember who you are too. But for some reason I don't remember, a day when I didn't love you.

-i have one question.

-...

-how and why are you so sure that you love me. if a person was to ask you why me and not other girls if all these girls must have what you want from a girl

-a great man once said "the way we tell the difference between what we see and what we hear, and what we feel inside, is that we can't always describe it, it just exists inside of us, and thats all there is to it"
- the truth is I dont have a good answer for you
-but after three years of endless infatuation with you at some point i have to stop calling it infatuation and start calling it love
-because when shit hits the fan, no matter what I always seem to find my way back to you, no matter how fucked up the route is,
-it takes me awhile to get there, but somehow i manage
-and I dont know why that is
-but I know its true



Love is basically a religion, and you can no more disprove it than you can prove it. I know I love her because I have simply based my definition of love around what I feel for her. She is the beginning and the end. And just like religion, no matter what, you must have faith. And though I have failed time and time again, I still believe. And though others, even her may see me as foolish, thats ok with me.

tomorrow

There she sat across from me,
years after I saw her on the bus
A young man riding only a couple miles
dreaming of a day called "us"
Now here she was after all that time
and me with my same wonder
tomorrow when I wake up alone in my bed
will it be ok if I love her?
Standing much more than one person could
surely it could hardly be fair
with love to crush a mountain of evil
surely she must be a bear
Stronger than all of the rest of god's creatures
and warm enough for the arms of a child
how can I love her so very much
and have lost focus all the while
But there in her eyes, underneath the lamp
I saw the reason to keep trying
I saw honor, integrity, love and wisdom
all the reasons to stop crying
In her I see my entire life
all the wrongs and rights
She captures my love, my happiness, my joys
my pain, and lonely nights
I wish I knew how to write a song
so you could feel these feelings
I wish I was an artist
so I could draw love from the floor to the ceiling
All I've got though are these words
so I just ask questions
I've got quite a few though,
So I'll just give you the best of em,

Why are we here, where do we go
How did we get so far
how did you get such a smile ms. bear bear
brighter than all the stars?

I dont have all the answers
and maybe I never will
and when I wake up tomorrow, some things will be different
but one thing never will...

I feel very alone. Getting what I deserve.

Dragon Slayer

"If you love her let her go." I am at war with myself over what the proper course of action is. And after all the pain I have caused the largest part of my mind says that it is not fair for me to ask her to stay, it's not right to keep loving her. All the cliches seem to support these notions. But I had a thought today, what if cliches like this were just justifications for the fearful. What if the men before me simply had been too scared that they would give what they had left to love and fail. Just as I may fail.

What if this is the only life I get. What if this is the only love I get. Shouldn't I give it everything I have? Shouldn't I bleed my soul until I find out if she can truly love me, if I can truly love her? What if I never get back to another moment where I love another more? Will I be able to live with myself, constantly telling myself "I loved her so I had to let her go?"

I never knew anyone who said being in love forever was easy. Even prince and princesses in fairytales must have had to overcome obstacles. Well why is this any different? I am the man, and I have demons I must face, only they are not in the form of thirty foot dragons or spells, they are my own demons. And she must be rescued from them. I still believe I can do that. Locked up in the tower, I believe that she may have lost hope that I will ever come for her. But does that mean I should stop? Does that mean I should let the dragon live? I will slay the dragon regardless and I will come for her. If she is lost to another prince when I reach her atop her castle than at the very least the dragon will be dead. At that moment I perhaps will live the rest of my days a broken knight, but I shall know that the dragon will hurt no more a soul upon this earth.

She changed something. And I know. She does not want me. It's real. She hates me. She will run from me. She will hide from me. I am too late. I am too honest. I am too ugly. I am too vile. I am too unfaithful. I am too loyal. She could care less. She will give me nothing. This pain is forever. This love is forever. This moment is forever. This second is forever. I have murdered. I have murdered. I have murdered love. Love still lives. Love is strong. Love is forever. Love is forever. Pain is forever. Love is me. I can love. I do love. I do feel. I feel this. I feel her. I can live. I can die. I can cry. I can cry. I told the lies. I told the truth. I broke her heart. I broke mine too. I changed something. Things changed. I'm not the same. I can't move.

The Assassin

He lived every day of his life knowing his assassin. H perhaps could have predicted his early death, he perhaps could have prevented it, but he didn’t. Night in, night out he laid in bed, and he was watched. Every moment he moved, every second he slept, the killer crept closer. And alas, she could protect him no more.

He laid in bed with nothing but his thoughts. As the dark enclosed the room, slowly his assassin came to him. The assassin held him it had never been his intentions to hurt him, it had never been his intentions to hurt anyone. But all the same, he moved in calculation. Driven by unexplainable cause, the killer held him close. There was no struggle, there was no scream. The killer and Christopher shared a deep love for one another, a relationship, but that would end here. The blade was long and cold, and as it sunk into his chest he gasped. He tried not to move. Tears poured from his eyes as he searched for strength. The knife carved awkwardly yet with certain purpose.

When it was finished the left hand held the heart, and the right hand held the maddened knife.

Christopher J. was shivering. As he stared at the ceiling and beyond, he tried to remember how he got here. It was as though everything before that moment had been lost, as though life had begun right then and there. All he knew, and had ever known was the pain in which he was drowning at that frame of time.

He moved his head forward on the pillow to see his murderer, to know him further. And when he looked down he knew what he would find. There, in his right hand was the guilty blade, and there in his left hand was his guilty heart. He laid back his head and closed his eyes feeling the sting of tears. He clenched them tight. He fell asleep to his nightmares, looking for tomorrow, not knowing if it would ever come.

Is it wrong for us to be in love? We two have continued in a vicious cycle for three years, maddening ourselves with love, hate and passion. And when things seem all for lost we somehow have always ended up back in one another's arms. So as we stand apart once more, was it wrong for us to continue down this path, and would it be wrong for us to still continue more? Is it wrong that we perhaps we love each other enough to sometimes ignore our better judgment?

When I was younger I often dreamed of a love for all time. But I wrote it as "the hope for young love," in aspirations that I would find this love early on and that I would find it to last into eternity. I felt it as some sort of destiny. Something unbreakable in a broken world. Over time I wrote off this notion, but what if I did so too soon. We were but teenagers when we met, and here we are, after I have stood in the presence of all her restrictions, and she has stood in the presence of all my mistakes, still in love. Maybe that means something. Maybe we're not wrong. Maybe we're right for staying. Maybe our consistency is admirable. Maybe our love is unwaivering. Maybe we are the hope for young love.

I am absolutely terrified. The implications that this night holds could be devastating to me. She wants the truth. And I will give her nothing less. However, I must first give her the reality. And I am terrified that the reality of things will blind her to the truth. It's not for me to explain here, but there does is exist such a situation.

I have often felt that time has moved faster and faster as the years go on. And thats the way it is for most people I believe. When you're young everything seems like its drawing on for an eternity, but as you get older things move faster. Until now. As I approach a major turning point in my life, which could be for the best or for the worst, time seems to draw on, almost as though I were a child again. I find myself wondering, if things go for the worst, is this how life will be, will every day feel this long? Will every minute hold these thoughts?

I am having trouble keeping my thoughts together at this point. So maybe it's best I save this for another time. Tonight we two shall join together and search for truth.

The Legacy of James Michael

James Michael loved his family. But he could not give them what they deserved. It is difficult to know whether he was at fault for his demise, or simply a victim of circumstance and addiction. Whatever the reason may be, he is gone. And even when he stood on this earth, he could not provide for his family, but it was beyond money. He could not give them the fundamental love that they deserved, that they needed. The love that he owed them for telling them "I love you." Because when you tell someone that you love them, it becomes your responsibility to be sure that they know, otherwise the words are but on a piece of paper which will burn into ashes come under the slightest flame.

James Michael is thought to have left little to this world in his passing. His only son has spent the latter half of his life trying to know more about the man his father was. And now, after eleven years, he will come to know this man. For while the scenarios are different, the themes of their lives are the same. His son has a loved one. He has someone he has secretly dedicated himself to for eternity. Yet he too, has failed to give her the fundamental love which she deserves. And much like his father, whether he is responsible, a victim of circumstance, or a combination of both, is difficult to know. And in the way that James Michael lost his life, so will his son. For what she does not know, is his life is her, and that is exactly what his failure will cost him. Because though he may struggle and fail to give her what she needs, he cannot cease to love her. And this is where you will find James Michael, the reflection of his son. This is what he left behind. This is his legacy.

She said she knew what I was. But she doesn't. I want her to. I want her to know me completely. I know that she does not know me, for she speaks as someone who is without love. And if she knew me, she would be heavy in the depths of love. I was doing more to show her that I loved her. I thought that I was getting better at it. In the beginning she always knew, but I felt as though she needed to be reminded. I tried to show her. I wanted her to know that she was my eternity. I wanted her to know that there was a reason I was still here. I wanted her to know I love her. But she doesn't know. And maybe for that, I too am to blame.

"Don't you get it? She doesn't want you. You saw it yourself in her smile that day. You knew then. It was like a weight had been lifted off her chest. She was free. You only trap her. She may tell you she wants to be with you but the truth is she just doesn't want to lose you, and there is an immense difference there. Your love will kill her. And thats why you cannot tell her the truth about how you feel, the way you care. Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people need something else, and it doesn't matter whether its right or wrong, if only so they can say 'the world makes sense.' Holding it in will kill you, but someone has to go, and because its your love, thats what you can do, thats what you can be. Not the hero, but something more. Hide your love Chris. Hide it and give your life for her."