as the days grow closer, i think of seeing her again, and all my wits are about me. I can feel her draw more and more near. I feel nervous, excited. I feel ready. I feel love.

the hardest part is the not knowing. Not knowing where she is, what shes thinking. She and her heart could be anywhere, any place. Its hard just to have faith. To give everything up, and just hope for the best, hope things will turn out like you think they should.

Shes not reading this, but maybe its for me as much as it is for anyone else. Maybe its for love as much as it is for anything else. Maybe its bigger than her and I. Maybe this is still for young love. Maybe this is hope, dreams, happiness and all of their counterparts. Maybe its for the world whether they know it or not.

sometimes someone else has said it better, I'll speak through them,

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Its two thirty in the morning. and love doesnt sleep.

It's not easy. Sitting there and taking the words meant to tear you down. Meant to stop you. Knowing everyone wants you to fail. Everyone thinks its better if you fail. Trying to make her believe that youre meant to be. Its hard to pick yourself up, and try and help the same person up who is the one who keeps pushing you down. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and believe.

Dear Cavite,

May the new year bring you love as warm as the weathers on your shores. May the new year bring you the beautiful breeze all the way from the western world where Mr. West whispers loving words to the wind for your heart to behold. Happy new year.

Dear Cavite,

I can see the storm coming. The wind blows just off the coast here and gray clouded solitude looms over threatening to rain from within. As she lets go I pick her up from her feet, for she is tired of standing. And now I shall find whether I possess the strength to carry us both on.

the line of scrimmage

I lined up with the ball. Every play had become the most
important play on my life. Everything was riding on this game.
I couldn't see anything else except for the outcome of this
moment. I won everything. Or I lost everything. When I was
at the other end of the ball, I never feared it, I always
wanted it. I was used to it, it was natural. But this was
different. I felt unsure, but still, I needed it. I had to do
it. There was no one else. I dropped back to pass on first
down and ran out left, I ran out of space and time and threw to
my left to my team mate. The throw was poor and the ball was
dropped. I felt fortunate and shook it off. Second down I
returned to a similar play this time it looked better, I threw
to my left to the same man, and it was batted away by the
defender. The weight of the game became heavier. I needed a
completion or a touchdown. Now. I dropped straight back and
found the same man I had thrown to twice open, I laced the ball
into his fingers, and he dropped it. I let turned and let out a
scream. I knew I couldn't let the odds fall to our defense
again. This had to be it. I became more nervous. My heart
pounded. I could feel my arm turn to jelly. I knew the rush
would come, I knew the defense would be firm. I allowed my men
to settle, and I dropped back.

The rush didn't come immediately for they feared my
feet, they would make me beat them with my arm. I rolled out
to my left as I had every down looking for the same man over
and over again. Three times I had thrown it to him and failed.
I reached the left out of bounds line and found no one. I fell
back looking for a man to throw to. The defender closed on me.

I made a move back and began to run to my right. I ran across
the field. And there he was, the same man I had thrown to
three times made his move as well, and we ran parallel twenty
five yards apart. I stretched my arm back as he came to a stop
just before the edge of the endzone, and I let it go.

There was nothing else but the ball cutting its way through the
cold air. I felt time stop as the ball reached its midway
point between the two of us, then restart as the ball found its
way into his chest, and secure. For the win.

I sprinted down the field, screaming joy the whole way. I
didnt see anyone but the secured ball floating in the endzone.
I bathed in the moment with my teammates, and it may have been
the greatest feeling ever.

Yet, as I climbed into the car, I found myself alone. And
alone. And I the victory soon faded. The moment I had put
everything into, the acheivement I had weighted in gold, was
all but gone, because was my heart.

Dear Cavite,

I love her.

sincerely, christopher

p.s. take that.

Dear Cavite,

My heart now travels across your soil. I would ask that you shelter it from storm. I know that she will become weary during her stay upon your dirt. I warned her of this. But my mere warning will not be enough to give her strength. I will need you to cavite, to help see her through this journey. When she stumbles soften your earth, when she cries blow away her tears, and when she looks up show her falling stars. Most of all cavite, when I send my love, be sure that it reaches her. I trust you with my heart.

Christopher West

Dear Cavite,

I wake up this morning confident. I am strong for you. You in a couple hours you will hold my heart. I trust you Cavite. I am trusting you.

Dear Cavite,

Tonight I send to you love from the sky. Love comes to you weary of the journey, and I too am weary. Help us. Protect her. Give her strength. I promise should you return her to me in fond condition I shall take over your task and give my eternity. Cavite, tonight I send to you love, and with love I send to you my heart. Be good to us Cavite, and let me remember you fondly.

You could never know. The drive it takes. The determination. The Faith it requires. To fight for something that has no desire for you. To believe when no one else does. To close your eyes and wait for the blow, but hope for the love.

its two thirty four in the morning. love is persistent.

Love is just nuts

I sat in the car and prepared myself. It amazes me how something so senseless can make so much sense. But I knew exactly what I had to do. And I wouldn't change a thing. I pulled my hat down snug to my ears, and I got out of the car. There were only three areas of my body covered: My head, my nuts and my feet.

I stood in front of the window, she opened the curtain to find my pale white stomach exclaiming the symbols for 'I love you.'

And then again, I knew what I had to do. I had to dance. And dance I did. I shook my ass, I waved my hands, I bobbed my head, stamped my feet, I let loose my arms and thrusted my hips. I danced like no other. I danced for love. My dance was love. Because just like my dancing, love isn't always pretty, in fact its sometimes down right ugly, and wrong and misguided. But it has a purpose. It comes from a good place. Its free, and it represents all thats right with the world.

And when my dance was finished, I couldn't feel the cold, I could only feel the warmth. And at that moment I knew I had to set myself free. Free from all the evils that had known me for so long. I had to be free to give myself over to the love that I had been scared to accept. So I did just that. I dropped those shorts and I let myself free for all the world to know. I strutted across that street loud and proud. Nuts for all the world to see. And just as I got to my car I turned and planted my hand on the left side of my ass, loud enough to wake the neighbors.

And when I was driving home, nuts touching the seat, I knew I was free. And I laughed all the way home. Because I knew I was in love.

I have been through many pains. But none shall ever compare to being told by the person I love most that they do not want to see me anymore. I cannot escape.

I can't seem to figure out how to cope. It seems so unreal to me. I know I might be seeming repetitive but I can't shake it. I can't understand how doing things wrong worked out for so long, and the moment I change for the better I have to give up what's most important? The very thing I changed for? why? what sense does this make?

I wake up this morning staring at the clock. I feel nothing but disbelief. As though I have been living in a dream. I was so sure she would see what I saw. I was so sure love was still present. I was so sure.

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

The words fell from my mouth awkwardly. I sort of laughed when I said it. I couldn't even remember the last time I had asked anyone out. There I stood, holding my heart out for the cradle or the blow. I had finally done everything right. No lies, no saftey nets to fall back on, no pushing things along and seeing how they went. I was there, alone, completely vulnerable, everything I had on the line. I stood ready to be judged by her. My faults, my achievments, my wins, my losses, all there for her to know, and embrace or turn away. I had known to change I would have to face my greatest fear.

And face my fear I would, as I watched it come to life in her eyes.

For as many times as I broke her heart, she stood to break mine.

And after the lies of men were gone, all that was left was an empty little boy, falling off his stool as drops of water began to fall from the sky.